


Good Omens, Please!

by audiaphilios



Series: From Tumblr With Lo-- [34]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Gratuitous Interweaving of Unrelated Events and Religious Imagery, If This Bitty Had A Bakery It'd Probably Be Called Sacrelicious, M/M, Oh Sure We Get Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons But Not Alternate Universe - Satanists, SMH at SMH, The Friendliest Satanists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 15:58:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9449201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audiaphilios/pseuds/audiaphilios
Summary: Or, Their Daddy Issues Are Not The Worst Ones In This Universe.Or, what Check, Please! might look like if set more than a decade after the Apocalpyse That Didn’t Happen.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Which is to say, I’m not replacing the irreplaceable Crowley and Aziraphale, because [Lardo love a duck](http://www.funtrivia.com/askft/Question96871.html) those fellows are precious.
> 
> This might get more complete some day, but I just wanted to share the giggles and world-building.
> 
> To celebrate a follower count of Particular Arcane Significance, I started wondering, _How could I possibly write a Check, Please! fic about Satanists?_
> 
> And then it occurred to me. Moo-Maw was, of course, a member of the Chattering Order of Saint Beryl– a rather early departee of the Order, I’m afraid, because “I’m a Satanist, not a saint!”
> 
> [Originally posted to tumblr October 13, 2016.](http://audiaphilios.tumblr.com/post/151716647380/good-omens-please)

 

Moo Maw’s a bit disappointed about What Happened With Suzanne, because somehow her girl got herself married to a Methodist. Granted, he’s more a church-on-Christmas-and-Easter type, but he’s legitimately a Good Man. He just happened to sell his soul at a crossroads without realizing it, because in Georgia you can never really be too careful. Some say the Devil had such a good time that he never really left, despite what Charlie Daniels would have you believe. Some say Johnny may’ve shown him how to play the fiddle, but the Devil taught Johnny how to make the best moonshine. But I digress.

Coach wasn’t Coach back then, of course. He was just a fresh-outta-college former running back on his way to his first job interview as assistant coach, nervously praying to anyone who would listen that he’d get this job. He never suspected the half-mumbled promise of his soul and his first-born was the real impetus behind rear-ending that sweet little blonde– and though he was a little late to that first interview, he rolled in with the confidence of a man who'd just met his future wife, and stunned the school principal and head coach.

Suzanne’s never actually mentioned the whole Satanist thing. She’s not as devout as her mother, for one thing, but she also _really likes_  trolling the “good Christians” at their local church. I mean, that definitely runs in her family– she’s a Phelps, isn’t she? Even though the Kansas branch is more noted for making Christians look bad and spreading hate in creative, if distasteful, ways, Suzanne does love to do her part via delicious baked goods (her angel’s food cake is _unholy_ ) and petty passive-aggression.

Moo Maw’s the one who taught Bitty to bake a little evil into every pie, but except for some rather rude circumstances involving the tri-county fair and a boxed crust and _Jennilyn Hopkin may her name ever be spoken in hisses_ , (which is impressive given the distinct lack of sibilants), Bitty’s not a very good Satanist. He’s too sweet to be really _evil_ , so while he can bake a mean pie– literally– he mostly ends up just a bit naughty. His pies make people break diets, and rules, and maybe you’ve noticed that the Sin Bin doubles as a pie fund? But that comes later, of course.

What comes first, before BItty ever makes it to Samwell, is Jack Zimmermann’s near-defection to the Light. After all, being the son of Bad Bob Zimmermann, the most famous Satanist since Aleister Crowley and a man who _earned_  his moniker, is a lot of pressure on a young man. It doesn’t help that he fell in with the wrong crowd, started mixing with Kent Parson– who he didn’t realize at the time was an Actual Angel. An Actual Angel who preyed on Jack’s all too human need to fit in and be someone outside of the long reach of his father’s influence. Who used Jack as a source of inside information on the movements of the biggest Satanist network in order to net a major victory for the side of the Light– and a major promotion for himself. He now runs the Las Vegas Aces, a team of humans and angels doing the Lord’s work in the City of Sin.

Jack, finding himself betrayed and the betrayer of his family, nearly dies. He’s clearly not ready for the Big Time like his father, so seminary it is. And where does a Satanist go to seminary? Liberal Arts College, of course! (If that was not the obvious answer to you, you were probably not raised in the Christian South™.)

But really, it’s Alicia who suggests it, and recommends Samwell. (Here’s the thing with Alicia– Jack’s not sure if his mother is entirely human. She has this _unearthly_  beauty, and Bad Bob is perhaps a bit _smug_  when he brags about his amazing wife, but that could just be because Alicia truly is that amazing. If she recognized Kent Parson, at least, she certainly didn’t say anything. But she may have recognized more that her all-too-human son needed to see a different side of things. Who can say? _Alicia Zimmermann is an enigma_. Who’s always had a tendency to saunter down the catwalk rather than strut, it should be said.)

Hockey’s always been Jack’s safe place. He may be son of a famous Satanist, but he’s also at least half Canadian. (His mother says she’s from St. Paul, but Jack’s never quite bought the implication of Minnesota.) The ice was always where he escaped when being Bad Bob’s son was just too much. (Of course, that’s where Kent Parson befriended him, and it’s taken some therapy to get back out there, but he loves the ice more than his personal demons.)

(The personal demons aren’t literal, it should be noted.)

Of course, he should’ve researched Samwell a bit more when his mother recommended it, because somehow he’s ended up on a hockey team, and in a Haus, with Shitty, whose dad is a lawyer and also a Big Name Satanist (Shitty's mother’s not a Satanist, she just experimented in college). Shitty likes to rant about how Satanists are a misrepresented minority, as well as the fact that evil is an outdated concept and humans are the beneficiaries of free will. He helps Jack with his _expectations_ issues, teaching him to put Human ahead of Satanist in his self-perception.

There’s also Holster, an angel who fell because he slipped up and became friends with his human assignment, a guy trying so hard to do good ( _too_ hard) that he was tearing himself apart– and Holster just wants to take care of his best bro without damaging his delicate human mind with Holster’s Unharnessed Glory.

There’s Lardo, the team manager and a risen demon (look, if angels can fall…) who’s frustrated as hell that Shitty won’t just _be bad_  with her, and has instead made her question her devotion to the darkness. (Shitty’s holding out for her while she works through her identity issues.)

There’s Johnson, who’s going to be interning with the Metatron after his senior year, whatever that means.

And then _this little shit_  comes along.

“ _This kid’s_ a **Satanist?!”** Jack rages to Shitty when Bittle arrives with his pies and his fear of checking and, and, and… 

And, well, Shitty may have laid the ground-work of not being shackled to black-and-white, good-versus-evil conceptions of what your choices in life are (and Jack remembers all too well the kinds of things that can be done in the Name of Good), but Bitty’s really the one that helps him understand that he, as a person, doesn’t have to be good or bad, or Good or Bad. He can just be Jack. 

And maybe a little naughty sometimes, but very nice as well.


End file.
